Diane Oakland, IBCLC Family Education and Support Coordinator, Lactation Consultant

March 01, 2005

Glances are exchanged between a mother and her baby. Their eyes meet and their gazes lock. Cooing ensues. For most new parents, falling in love with their baby is as natural as breathing.

Developing a heart connection between parents and infants is often called bonding. But that term can cause misconceptions. In the late 1970s, two esteemed American professors of pediatrics, Marshall Klaus and John Kennell, published their groundbreaking discoveries in the book Maternal-Infant Bonding. What they learned about the amazing newborn led the way for many of the family-centered care practices we enjoy in hospitals today. However, some people got the idea that parent-infant bonding works like quick-drying superglue. When applied during the “critical period,” the first hour or two after birth, it almost magically cements the relationship. Some thought if they missed the moment, bonding would never occur.

Attachment may be a better term for the deeply felt connection between parents and infants. Parents and their babies grow more attached to each other over time, as they get to know each other. It is not a now-or-never proposition. It’s a wondrous process that draws upon the natural talents of parents and babies to engage each other.

We’ve learned so much about the process of attachment in the past three decades, as Klaus, Kennell and other researchers have continued exploring this amazing phenomenon. What we have learned continues to have a major impact on parenting and hospital practices.

Love at first sight
For many parents, it is love BEFORE first sight. During pregnancy, when their thoughts turn towards the baby, as they decorate the nursery or pick out names, they may begin to feel a strong emotional attachment to the baby. Some parents may feel a big surge of love when they see their newborn for the first time. For others, it may take time. Just like romantic love, you can’t just turn those feelings on at will. The good news is they usually spring forth spontaneously.

Klaus cites studies in his 1995 book Bonding: Building the Foundations of Secure Attachment and Independence indicating that 25 percent of mothers feel a bond before the birth, another 25 percent at the birth and another 40 percent a week or more after the birth.

In most cases, dads don’t bond with the speed or the intensity of the mother. After all, pregnancy has had her feeling intimately involved with her baby for nine months. But Dad will feel strong attachment too if he just gets in close. Both parents tend to feel more attached as they spend time with their newborn, especially hands-on contact.

While we now know not all is lost if a parent misses the opportunity to be with their newborn immediately after birth, we also know those precious hours present an exceptional opportunity. In the first two hours, a newborn baby is in a quiet, alert state, after which he is very sleepy for the next couple of days.

Just after birth, the baby is most receptive. It’s best if the baby is given to his mother before being whisked away for a bath. He already knows his mother’s voice. He begins to associate it with her face. As he rests against her, he becomes familiar with her scent. During this time, the baby has a strong sucking urge and will begin to seek the breast. A substance on the nipple is similar to the familiar scent of the amniotic fluid still present on the baby’s hands. As baby smacks on his fingers, it helps draw him to the nipple for that first feeding at the breast. Babies also start getting to know their fathers as they look at them, smell them and hear them speak.

Parents are naturally drawn to a calm, quiet newborn. They yearn to look into their baby’s eyes. When they do, many are bewitched by the newborn’s dark, dilated pupils and usually begin a predictable pattern of bonding behavior: first touching baby with their fingertips, then stroking baby with an open palm. Soon parents stop talking about the baby in third person, “Isn’t she beautiful?” and start talking to the baby, “You are sooo pretty.” Next, they begin to explore their baby, taking inventory and making comparisons: “He’s got your eyes; he’s got my nose.” They check with others for their impressions, asking nurses and visitors what they think of their offspring. Ultimately, they begin to refer to the baby as “mine.”

Newborn babies have got what it takes
Until recently, we greatly underestimated the amazing abilities of newborn babies. We wrongly assumed that about the only way they could communicate with us was to cry. The fact is from the moment they are born, babies send out cues that help us get to know them.

Their eyes capture your attention and draw you into conversation with them. If you look away, your baby may move her arms or make soft sounds to draw you back in. She’ll respond to your talk with movement, especially when you naturally begin to speak slow, high-pitched “mothereze.” Pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton has a wonderful video of a mother and baby interacting and, as he points out, you may be surprised at who is leading whom.

As new parents learn to read their baby’s cues, they grow in confidence of their parenting skills. Parenting becomes a joy — dirty diapers and all.

Babies also benefit. As babies attach with their parents, they thrive. In preterm births, for example, when babies experience “Kangaroo Care,” in which the baby is placed skin-to-skin with the parent as often as possible, baby’s heart rate, breathing rate and growth improve. Clearly, early, close contact is good for the whole family.